Two Weeks behind the Vac

I wrote about this event about two years after I experienced it, and placed it into my computer in a kind of journal. An elderly woman in church contacted me about a trouble a close writer friend of hers was having. I guess she could trust in the semi-outcast liberal. The writer woman wrote about nature for many years, published in the paper. She was in her 90’s. She was sold a Kirby. Read through to the end to what happened.

 

     Who would think that I, Michael, could even think of selling vacuum cleaners?  I wouldn’t if I hadn’t been let go from a career position as a manager of a largest nationwide garden center. I remember the last Christmas I managed the store. The owners of a large sausage company had just bought the garden center chain. The sausage conglomerate ordered the managers to display their summer sausages and cheese in our front windows to show off their products. I said that refrigerators would be better than our south facing window. “They knew better.” Half way through December the sausages, cheese, and other things turned a hairy sage green. That summer the new owners fired all the better garden center managers. I just finished building a new house and my first child on the way. I began looking for employment. 

     The ad read “Looking for ‘Demonstrators’ for their unnamed products.”  The telephone person gave me an Ottawa, Illinois downtown address and a time to meet.  It was a store front which read “Kirby.”  The truth be known, the job was for a vacuum cleaner salesperson.  Well my dad once sold vacuum cleaners, but that was after the War, and he didn’t sell that much of them either, and he soon found better work.

     I went in to find about 20 to 30 persons milling about. Some were well dressed and others like me were in well-worn business stuff. Anyone could distinguish who the owners were.  They were very well dressed and looked out of place on the early Monday morning.  The large number of chairs nearly filled the room, when the promoters were saying their speeches.  “As I looked back at this experience, I should have known that, it’s the first “lie” you dismissed or make excuses for that sets you up for all the other lies.” 

     This was to be a two week indoctrination of the wonders of the glorious Kirby Vacuum and the wonderful Kirby people.  The second day opened with a fewer people in attendance.  I showed up because I was curious and they fed you.  We saw an hour long video on Zig Zigler.  He spent about an hour singing the praises of the “dirt sucker,” and how it was in our very best interest to sell and promote this one of America’s Greatest Products.  “Dirt sucker” was the cute nick name for the new Kirby Vacuum cleaner.  It also became apparent to me that not all the applicants were applicants.  They were “plants,” people who are specially trained to bring out and guide the crowd’s responses, but hide in the guise of an applicant. 

     Each day, they played a type of mind games; to speed the time one normally takes to form bonds with other people.  I enjoyed those exercises a whole lot more than those tedious lectures on the care and up keep of the Great Kirby Vacuum. At times, things look like a fraternity, but without the booze.  If there was a hell night, you might have to sleep with your Kirby, but we won’t go there.

     We were told to show the customer the advantages of “our” vacuum over the homeowner unit.  If the demonstration were going slow, we would head to the bedroom.  We would vacuum the sheets and pillow cases.  We would show the homeowners of the possibility of “livestock” living in their bed. We would have pictures of mites, fleas, bed bugs, and the ever fiercesome dead skin louse “blown up” millions of times, to show detail and to prove that objects “are” closer than they appear.

     Nearly every day, we saw testimonies by current salespersons on how easy it was to peddle these machines.  One sale person bragged that they have sold about 50 vacuums at a flea market.  Another fine wrinkle is not only do we sell vacuums, but we also have to sell the idea of selling vacuums to a new crop of sale persons so we can earn commissions from them also.  We can have up three levels of these sales persons.    

     The price for this wonderful vacuum was $1000.00 (1984 price).  $250.00 going to sale person and, $250.00 going to the office management.  They didn’t say, but I suspected that $250.00 goes to the Main Office and, the last $250.00 would be the supposed cost of the vacuum.  It doesn’t cost $250.00 to build this vacuum.  It has a real fine electric motor and low tech metal and plastic parts.  It does not contain that many parts. It is about as heavy as a lawn mower.

     At the last day, we had graduation for the seven who remained.  We all received our very own Kirby to sell.  That night I quit and returned the machine the following day.

 

Over 700 Clean Days Later

 

     About two years later a Kirby sales person called my wife to give her a free rug cleaning.  This is the ruse to just to get inside your house.  The rug cleaning in my opinion is worthless, go rent a good rug cleaner, you’ll be much happier and richer.  My wife told me all about it, and she wanted the vacuum.  I told her to tell the sales person that I will not pay one penny more than $500.00 for the main vacuum and the main accessories.  I will not buy the rug cleaner or the auto this or that because they are a pure waste of money and didn’t work anyway.  You can negotiate anything; I bought it for $500.00.  Once you know the truth on how things work, then nothing is impossible.

     The Kirby Vacuum Cleaner is a very well built heavy machine.  It does a great job cleaning.  It is very clumsy changing accessories, but overall I am happy with it.

     After 12 years of trouble free service, things began to wear down.  Duct tape repairs only goes so far.  In Manitowoc is a repair shop for Kirby, the clerk checked over the machine and assessed the problem.  Estimated cost for the repairs was around $120-140, I said go do it.  The clerk also lent me another vacuum to maintain my house.

     A few days later a sale person from the same shop called me and wanted to sell me a new vacuum.  I said NO, he went on and on about how great the new generation of Kirby was than before.  I told him in no uncertain terms that I just wanted my old machine repaired, and to call me only when it is done.  A week later the same salesperson called me again to sell me that new machine.  I asked him whether my old machine was fixed.  Sale person didn’t really know and went on with his sales pitch.  I answered him with the “Tennessee Mountain Language,” and within days I received, my old machine all repaired at the estimated cost.

     I believe that there are many people that should be held accountable.  The owners, the CEO, all upper, middle, and field managers, and stockowners to be held accountable.  All those people who seek riches at the expensive of others, and they call it following orders.  In addition, those media people who profit from their advertisers that promote their frauds should be held responsible for their misdeeds. 

     I once asked the training people why don’t they sell their vacuum in stores like Sears.  Their roundabout answer spoke about a uniqueness of their product that is not appreciated by the average customer.  In a side by side display, I believe most people can do the math. 

     The line “more is stolen by the pen than by the sword” should be printed above the line where you sign your life away.  When a sale person comes to sell you some time-share, weird-investments, unreal-life-or-death insurance, weird-money making schemes, magic club this or that, or some super contraption and then ask you to sign and put down charge card, check, or money in hand right now, you will know that it is a fraud.  You will need time to think and get information to access whether or not this a good deal, after all the sale person had plenty of time before the sale pitch to get his story straight.

     The elderly writer wanted her old vacuum and $1200.00 back, and couldn’t get it. The friend had called ABC News, but nothing was happening until she talked with me. I download my article and sent it to ABC and everything was returned.